Thursday, January 30, 2014

So I decided that maybe I have the winter blues?

Aloha. 

Good gravy, I wish I was on a warm beach basking in the sunshine and listening to the waves hit the sand. I was rereading some of my blogs and I concluded that I never really say anything interesting, but that's okay. This seems more of an outlet for me to let it out (and pretend like people might read this and find comfort in having the same struggles) rather than entertainment. 

For some reason, this week has been kinda hard for me and I really don't know why. Maybe it's the winter blues? Maybe it's the weight of a little deep thinking? How should I know? Again, long hair don't know. We all have a sad day here and there when we don't feel right and just wanna snuggle in our beds. I've been feeling like that all week. I've realized that I am usually a pretty happy person, but this week I've felt kind of bummed out. I've been feeling that I have to put on a fake show that I'm my usual happy snappy self. I'm hoping this funk will soon pass! 

This week, I think I have definitely been faced with some ideas and situations that have made me think and question some things. I am applying to be a RA and the class is quite grueling for me, but also very insightful. If you knew me, you would know that when I want something, I will most definitely persist until I find a way to get it. With this RA position, I don't feel like I have that ambition and that drive to get it. So maybe I don't really want it? I believe that it is a wonderful position that can be used to benefit many, many individuals. So I should want it. I should want it really bad. I had a dream last night that one of my friends told me that I should just drop now because "you don't have what it takes anyway, Ali." Though I know this friend would never say such a thing to myself, I feel hurt by it. But not enough to do my usual, "You don't think I can do it? Just watch." I don't know. Another thing is that I feel the need to put on a fake show in that class too. Look at me, I'm Ali, and I'm outgoing and bubbly, and I live to play icebreaker games! But I'm not into any of that. I'm quiet and reserved and quite frankly hate ice breaker games most of the time. 

Another thing that I have come to realize is that I do a lot of things I "should" do only because I "should" do them. That goes back to the RA thing as well. If I get the position, I will get a hefty chunk taken out of my college expenses and so of course, I should do whatever it takes to get that. I'm President of a club because well, let's be honest here, it will look good on scholarship applications. Don't get me wrong, I am very honored that I have been given these opportunities for success and both will definitely help me to develop leadership skills, people skills, and time management. I will be thrilled if I get RA and I will definitely pour my heart and soul into the position because that's what I do. I don't not give it my all. In relationships, in my schoolwork, in everything, here have it all. I've been learning lately though, that sometimes I can't do it all. I have to say no, to step away, to let someone else take care of something. 

Amidst everything, struggles and victories, I know that it is important to give it to God. Trust in God because He knows what's going on and you don't. Let Jesus take the wheel or you're going to crash your little car. This isn't Mario Kart, let God drive.

Have a lovely day! ♥

With Love,

LHDK

This is a great song and a great reminder to "keep your head up, keep your heart strong."

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